And the uncertainty of it all.

2009-06-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

Niether am I an author, nor can I express feelings well on paper. [Screen, whatever.] Especially when my train(s) of thought are so wild. It sounds pretty much chiched when I say my heart's beating abnormally quick and my stomach is going berserk, except that I mean it. I'm jittery too, and no, these are not post break up events. It's just how I feel right now. Modifying something someone said- "Taking care of a mentally touched person is a full time job." He marches around the house as I type this since i'm instructed to stay inside my room. I type these random statements which seem really sensible to me right now. I'm proud of my mom, dad and dadi. I'd never thought I'd say the latter, but I guess now when I say it, I mean it to it's core. There's tension although there are people who don't let it seep in near us- me and my brother. And I pretend they're succeeding too. I hate to realise that they do too- succeed, I mean and I take advantage of it too, sometimes. But somehow, I forgive myself easily for this, something that I have got to stop doing soon. He's taking the much dreaded pills again and nobody can stop him from doing that yet again, and at this stage. As she said- "It's our destiny; A fact of life." I nod and I believe in her. That's how she's convinced herself and that's how I'll convince myself too. And then there's the man I worship. His calm exterior is a big fake suit to hide what he feels. And boy! Does he do that well! Sometimes, I envy him for his ability to do this. And me? I've just like.. withdrawn myself? I wonder if that's the right word. I'm not so sure. It's just that I feel weird most of the times. People keep asking me to cheer up and all but I tell them i'm not sad. And really, I'm not SAD. I'm just not.. happy, you know? I still feel like doing the regular stuff like texting, watching TV, Sorority life etcetera, except one thing. Talking. It's very creepy, I know. If I were reading what i'm writing right now and if I didn't know who wrote it, I would probably be thinking like a mean girl " Dude. Who IS this depressed soul, really? Get a LIFE." But I know who is this and I know her pretty well, so I can say what she feels is pretty complicated. So, you know. Hmm.

Enough of cray shite huh?

One moment.

2009-02-15T01:25:00.000-08:00

Smile.
Hold the thought.
Try.
But the moment's passed.

Disconnect.
A feeling.
Blow it away.
But the moment stays.

Sing,
That song.
Drown it away
Deeper, but it stays.

Make sense.
Of it all.
Try.
But the moment's gone.

Moment.
A new one begins.
Feel it.
Before it ticks away.

The pain.
Enjoy it too.
Coz it won't last.
Longer than you.

Mess up.
Cringing.
Don't.
The moment will pass.

Haha. Don't try to squeeze out sense out of it. Coz there is none.

Yes, yes, move on.

2009-02-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

I changed. Probably in the exact same way as the world did. But I can't decide if i'm happy with them or not. Maybe because they weren't gradual, or maybe they were but my realisation wasn't.
Anyway.
Guess what?
I turned on the modem, turned on my laptop, put in the password, waited for the desktop to appear, clicked on Windows Media Player and double clicked on Breathe by Anna Nalick. Then I clicked on the internet explorer icon, came to blogger.com where I put in my username and password, and as I saw the blank place where I'm supposed to exercise my fingers, I realised that the level of boredom in my life has reached upto a point whre, when I come to post after ages, I have the same-old-emotionally-dramatic-crap-to-the-core stuff to write. So that's the reason I changed the friggin topic.
Plus.. The machine that produced the innovative juices in my mind is dead.
Sigh.
I apologise for now you have to bear it's consequences.
Ending very madly,
A.

So Low (Solo?) [Whoa, just discovered this!]

2009-01-24T05:05:00.000-08:00

I'll be happy
And I will laugh
I will jump
And they'd all laugh
I will cry
And they won't know
I'll keep quiet
And they'd ignore
I will try
And I will fail
I will smile
As I feel pale
I will shine
And I will not
I will sigh
And won't get caught
I will feel
And they will too
My lips'd be sealed
But words be true
My part would matter
And they would know
My presence felt
But they won't show
I will go on
And they would see
They will go on
And we would meet.

This is dedicated to D, who did notice, at last.
This, although, is by no chance related to you or me.
:)

'08

2009-01-09T06:17:00.000-08:00

2008 for me was the most unexpected and eventful year of my life. I guess.
Let's see.. This ought to take quite some time now.

11-C. Commerce. New people. 1st units. The implicit unexpected topping. The "coming out of cover". SD. Suddenly being her star. Becoming the Class Leader. Being the "responsible" one. Having to see people look at me differently everyday. The frigging RSMOs. Being the dufus for being offended by everything certain people said or did. Suddenly hating noise. Twilight(!). Becoming the VP. The new shining badge. The almost comparing. The busy basketball tournament. Having a new team (:P). The red pimple ("Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.."). Messing up the general assembly prayer ("Let us together pray for A and B. Mother of Carmel..". [God.]. The embarrasing moments (They still continue.. Sigh.). Having to see the new side of all our 12th grade didis. Having to think of saying 'goodbye'. Saying goodbye, already, to one (The One). The sheet-filling. Meeting new people, loads of them. Disliking a few people, loads of them too, I guess. Being more at the backstage of stuff rather than the audience. Discovering my new talent of cracking instinctive sastas (Although some would disagree :P). Lst. Realising what a gk-dope I am. Conti (Also referred by some of us as 'cunty' :P). The new compliments. The dancing. Loads of it. A LOT of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Books(!). Movies! (and some more of them). Fete. The recording. Democracy day: the flying colours, ooh. Children's day. Making someone feel better on the Children's day. Birthdays: Crazy's the word. The mails. The weird weddings. The one-piece (:P). The new bonding with cousins. The boredom (How much ever I hated it, i'll miss it now..). Being a new Aanchal. Being bumblebee. Being A. The million new realisations.
That's it, I guess. Or maybe there's more. I'll keep adding.
:)
It was fun.
Welcome, 2009.

The investigator inside.

2008-12-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

The Reasons Behind Reasonless Mood Off(s).

Theory #1
According to a few people I know, the mood off is never reasonless. There might be no apparent reason, but there would be tiny reasons in the back of our mind. I believed in this myself till a few months back, until I went through a RSMO phase, where, honestly, there were no, NO "tiny" reasons or apparent reasons.

Theory #2
Here's the situation. There's no apparent reason, but there ARE tiny reasons existing in the backstage. They are the root cause of the supposed RSMO. Now, the tiny reasons are done away with, but they took so long to go away, to be dealth with, that the RSMO sustains. We wonder, why it's still there, why it doesn't go away, but I'm guessing that's because we've gotten so used to behaving the way we did during a RSMO, that adapting to the new happy feeling takes time. But again, this is only a guess. Only a theory.

Theory #3
Okay. So, you're recovering from this elongated RSMO but the people around you are so used to the sad you, that even when you're cheerful, they spoil it all by asking- "What's wrong?" or "Stop pretending" or something. And then, we're back to square one.

Theory #4
Mixture of the above 3. Trust me, it's the worse.
But I repeat myself, it's just a theory, not a fact.

The same old story.

2008-10-05T01:36:00.000-07:00

Happiness. Why is it so unpredictable? And complicated. I mean, one second you're sad and the next thing you know, you're happy. And vice-versa. You guys are probably thinking, "What is the big deal about it? Happiness is a good thing after all..."

I know that. But even though I'm happy right now, I'm sad because there is no guarantee, no assurance, that this will sustain. Ok, I know it's mean of me to ask for a guarantee but I hate to imagine that this feeling is temporary, brittle and short termed. So, it's not that I let this dreadful feeling overshadow my happiness, but it's there, you know.

Sometimes, I realise this feeling is a mixture of insecurity and regret. Insecurity because of it's impermanence and regret, because the reasons of my happiness, at least some of them are the after effects of certain realisations. And then I regret thinking "If only I had know this earlier.."
But I obviously can't revert back to the old times and make the realisation happen. So, it's just weird.

That's it, I guess.

Words

2008-09-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hieght
Happiness
Pride
Efficient

Crash
Downfall
Smashed
Recall

Lingering
Good
Sinking
Bad

Try
Cope
High
Hope

Chance
Appreciation
Think
Apprehension

Blah
Blah
Blah
Blah

Couldn't think of anything more than this.
so, just thank God, guys.
:)

Needi sasti!

2008-09-14T00:57:00.000-07:00

All these are Needi's dreams. I'll try to put them in her words. [Teenie bit edited by me. :) ]

1. I want to be a successful politician once I grow up and try my best to change this country.
2. I want to be so successful and rich that i'm capable of gifting limousines to all my friends every
week! "Seriously yaar, mera buhaut man hai tumhein aise achche achche gifts dene ka.."
3. I really really really wanna meet KD!! :D "Yaaaaaaarrr, KD!"
4. And of course, I want to be size 0!!
5. Decrease the inequality b/w men and women/ girl and boys. "nahin, nahi, actually, one day I
want to see the breaking news: A BOY HARASSED BY A GIRL.. "
6. Be a part of a rock concert! :D

It's probably priceless.

2008-09-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

P's tag.
I'm not copy pasting the instructions. And here I go:

1. I dream to travel, as you guys know already, if not around the world, then at least the whole of
Europe. :)

2. I dream to live alone (In a small apartment with room mates!), outside India, for some years,
be independent, start earning, buy a larger house and then invite my mum and dad there to
enjoy their lives like never before.

3. I dream of being friends, with people I already am friends with, even when I'm as old as a bug
and then reminisce of these stupid times.

4. Die a painless death and then see how people react to it. [God, It was my idea, I hate you, P.]

5. I dream of being emotionally stronger, and have a clearer sense of life.

6. I dream of living up to my parents' dreams. And 30 years down the lane, if the earth still
exists (which is contradicting facts of India TV), I would look back and sigh, and say, "It
was totally worth it."

Ty.
:)

See this?

2008-08-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

I can't imagine people thinking anything bad about me. That's the reason I feel so queasy around people I know will tend to do that. Sometimes, people very close to me make me feel the same way too and those are the times when I couldn't feel more helpless. I have a certain knack of ending all conversations on a good note (I can almost hear some people smirking at that) because I know the last part will linger in the other person's mind and make an impression, good or bad, that's what I think, but I would love to be proven wrong. I hate the fact that I cannot live happily unless I've told what's on my mind (whether it's bothering me in a good way or bad) to someone. More than that, I hate the fact when people don't do the same and act unfazed by everything, or even are unfazed by everything. I love to know that someone out in the world will be happy when I am, but I hate being so close to someone, scared of the same because I get a feeling that it won't be like that for a long time. I simply loathe sitting in my room alone and then realising that i'm alone, I have no one to talk to, I have so much to do, but nothing to do really, and also secretly wishing, that as I fall back on the pillow and cry, somebody would write a story of my life and that would be just a scene or that a camera would zoom in and that action of mine would after all just be a scene in the movie or an excerpt from novel that has a happy ending and not reality. Knowing that there are people sitting in a theatre or reading that in a book, there would be someone, who would know how I was feeling inside, and not just another girl who cried in her room. I wish that when I would cry, my eyes would be red, so that someone would know I'd cried instead of staying perfectly white like nothing happened. And as I write this, I wish I wouldn't sound like those girls who 'need a shoulder to cry on' and who want 'people to pity them'. I just wish. I hate wanting to study, but having nothing to study, coz their is nothing that matters just then. I hate explaining circumstances to people and then wanting to kill them. Instead, I want that one person, to come to my rescue just then. I hate to want that people should have a memory loss and forget me so that I can start afresh. I hate being hated. I think I like to write random stuff in this diary when I know nobody can read them.

It's a tag, guys. Pour your hearts out.
So, P, A, K, V, D, A and another A and everybody else who reads this.

..

2008-08-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

-The Choice

-Nicholas Sparks

2008-08-17T07:05:00.001-07:00

Constant, uninterrupted joy is a myth and fundamentally bad luck.

-Everything Happens For a Reason

-Kavita Daswani.

Human or Humean?

2008-08-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

We all are mean sometimes. Probably because we're humans, right? We all want somebody to understand us. We all want people far away to miss us and say that. We sometimes, just sometimes, deep inside, want people to sympathise with us. Is that selfish of us? [ I don't know why I'm writing this.] We want a shoulder to cry on. We want to be dependent on somebody but NOT realise that. We want to cry and secretly wish that somebody could see us then and console us. We want to speak eveything out in front of somebody, cry, and then end up being happy coz we've vented it all out. [I still don't get the logic.]

This is what was written on a piece of paper I found while cleaning my drawer. God, I was born philosophical.

Another one bites the dust

2008-07-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

She sees that again. Not deliberately though, since it just comes. A flash, a memory. Panic. Unfamiliar faces around a very familiar face, but unrecognizable. She begins to cry. She is helpless. She cannot handle this, this situation. Life presses hard against her.

She vividly remembered her surroundings. People milling around, mainly in white clothes; Expressionless faces on one side and absurdly reassuring faces on the other. She was incapable at that moment of expressing any emotion, grief, tension, sadness, weakness, nothing. She just stood there, leaning against the wall. She had always seen this on TVs and thought that it was exaggerated. But not any more. Not now, when she was a part of it. Only, it was reality.

Going to a place, where you know you're going to cry, but going there and finding a loved one and pretending. So hard, that it practically hurts physically. Pretending only to keep the other one from crying, only to keep the loved one away from reality.

Closing her eyes, she feels proud of herself. Promising herself that this is going to be a secret. A secret between herself and her life. But regretting later when she herself betrays life and opens the secret. Not with much details, but enough to be called 'betrayal'. She hates herself for giving up so easily in front of those familiar eyes. But she doesn't feel light. She feels heavier.

Sitting alone, she wonders again, and realises to her own surprise, that it wasn't such a big deal after all. But she doesn't want to believe that. She wants to be proud of herself. She still wants adore herself, respect herself. If she proves herself wrong, she'll lose. Lose the much earned respect by her own self. She feels distressed.

lleh.

2008-07-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

She was proud
But she was sad
She was happy
But she was mad.

She was wise
But not for herself
For herself she cried
For she couldn't tell.

She could see
The bad memories
Their impact
On the circumstances.

She hated this change
This transition
But was helpless
A predictable vision.

She wanted to tell
Tell it all
But she couldn't
Just end it all.

She had to learn
Learn to breathe
In this world
By letting them breathe.

Nameless

2008-07-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

It's really inexplicable. Honestly.
It's just a mixture of emotions that rush back when sudden flashes come to your mind when you aren't thinking of anything in particular. And the feeling isn't exactly good. The problem is that the situation becomes awkward when you have people around you and you know you can't talk about it with them, coz you practically can't explain it. To anybody. Just anybody.
It sucks then.
But, the good part is, that lately with the bad thoughts come the good ones and comes a little optimism too, which is rare, and so it feels good too. So that kinda cancels the bad part.
;]

Things are good.

Bumblebees

2008-07-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees
bumblebees

I'm practically screaming due to impatience and restlessness.
Boredom can lead to similar actions. I know better.
Sigh.

Blur

2008-06-30T05:34:00.000-07:00

A Vision:
Broken glass. Wind. Pieces sweeping towards her. Darkness. and then, nothing at all.

Another vision:
An empty road. A girl trudging. She looks back. Sighing. She looks ahead. And then again, nothing at all.

A scene:
Broken guitar strings. Torn pages. Spilled water. A girl left with nothing but memories. she hugs herself tightly.

A state of mind:
Waking up and realising seconds later, the monotony of it all, the futility of it all. Letting depression take over your own self, physically. And mentally. Feeling numb due to being drenched by nothing but.. self-pity.

A fact:
This is fiction.

[Prerna, this IS fiction.]

Real-eyes-ation. Part 2.

2008-06-28T02:30:00.000-07:00

Forgetful facts about life. Discovered recently.

1. I'm in the eleventh. [Cousin: you're soon gonna get a farewell party from us! Me: Yeah right.
I'm only in like.. shit. 11th.]

2. The 10th board results really don't matter. [THIS, I realised immediately after I had stopped
crying for the result I got. Unfortunately.]

3. I had visited U.S.A just a few weeks ago. [I don't even wanna think about it. Too much
happiness isn't good for health. No, wait, but Laguna Beach?? Did I actually see that beach??
Sighing is all I do as this thought enters my mind.]

4. She really IS leaving. [Yeah, well, she is. I realised that just after we bought her 'remember
me'. Ok, kidding. But really, not sooner.]

5. The summer holidays are practically over and I see little fungus-like things growing and
creeping from inside my book shelf. [You know what I mean?]

.. And there are so many more things, but I just can't muster up courage to write 'em all down. But I guess these are the major ones. [Plus, '5' sounds like a good number to end.]

Rs 295/-

2008-06-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

1. Last movie seen in a theatre:
- The Grand Canyon! It was so nice! And a teenie bit scary.

2. What book are you reading?
-Not one. Many- funny bits of Inscrutable americans and hp7. Oh, and 60 goodnight tales
by Grandpa.

3. Favourite board game:
- Ludo, money manager, business. (:P)

4. Favourite magazine:
- Reader's digest and idk it's name but that magazine that was kept in the bathroom of our
hotel in Las Vegas.

5. Favourite smells:
- Mud after it rains, petrol, whitener (I know it's toxic, but I just can't resist!)

6. Favourite sound:
- The sound of the guitar when you strum all it's strings in one go! And OMG, the sound of that
music that plays when Hilary Duff's 'come clean' begins!

7. Worst feeling in the world :
- Helplessness. Hopelessness. and Idk what that's called but the feeling of failure, you know,
when you've worked so hard for something but the result doesn't live up to your expectations.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
- If the dream was good- I better not forget this!
If the dream was bad- Thank God, it was a dream!
If there was no dream- I don't actually 'think' when I wake up, I just sit up, see the time, and
drop back again!

9. Favourite fast food place:
- Eutopia, Pizza Hut and Panda Express!

10. Future child’s name:
- Amy/Rachel if it's a girl and Idk about the boy!

11. Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…” :
- Travel and oh, i'd but a one bedroom apartment for myself (anywhere!)

12. Do you drive fast?
-I unfortunately, don't drive. I'd rather answer this question in 2010. (If we don't already die
due to an earthquake by then)

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
- Umm, not always. But sometimes, I have this round, cuddly unknown animal, that I keep with
me when I sleep. Oh, or I just cuddle my younger brother sometimes! :D

14. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
- I've never had it. Broccoli, I mean. And I would never want to either. Coz the look of it makes
me sick.

15. Storms - Cool or Scary?
- OK. I wouldn't lie. But more scary than cool.

16. If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice?
- Pink! But only streaks and that too temporary ones! Just like Avril Lavigne! Except that the
base would be black, not blonde. :P

17. Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in:
- Delhi. Only. Sigh.

18. Favourite sports to watch:
- Actually, none. Except the 20-20 cricket series (sometimes) and only the FIFA world cup
matches!

19. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
- Kritika: Ron
Prerna: Hermione
Disha: Soulmate!
P.S- I know Prerna and Kritika are gonna kill me, but sorry, I like it. Coz I get to be Harry!
Haha.

20. What’s under your bed?
- Lots of crap, actually. Oh, and my lost slipperss. and sometimes, my unedited creations.

21. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
- Probably. Yes. But with a few changes made.

22. Morning person or night owl?
- Night owl.

23. Over easy or sunny side up?
- Would anyone care to tell me what this means?

24. Favourite place to relax:
- A beach. Only if Delhi had one. Sigh. Oh, and any place surrounded by books!

25. Favourite ice cream flavour:
- Chocolate!

26. You pass this tag to:
- No one's left! But anybody who is, is welcome to do this! (It rhymes!)

27. Among people you tag, who do you think is going to respond the fastest?
- If only I knew who was left.

P.S- You MUST know, I was very bored.

Signs.

2008-06-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

Staring into nothingness
Realisation
Returning to reality
Blinking.

Thinking
Visions of the past
Hating the future
Of the present.

Regretting
Being so sad
Helplessness
Overpowering.

Hola!

2008-05-19T08:16:00.001-07:00

Err, I don't know how to begin this post. I'm too excited to think of something attractive.
Alright, Phoenix, that's where I am now, is different. Like, Very different.
1. You turn the switch off to turn the ligh on.
2. You take bath in the evening.
3. You are happy 24X7.
4. It's 110 degree farenhiet, but you take a blanket over you when you sleep and take a jacket
everywhere you go.
5. The water in all the taps is drinkable.
6. People dont give a damn if you wear a bikini and check out the malls.

Can't think of more right now. I sure will keep adding.
CYA
<3
Me

Sister

2008-05-10T04:22:00.000-07:00

Where did she go God?
Yesterday she explained to me
The tactic of drawing a dove
Where is she today?
Mother tells me she's with you now.
Don't tell her I asked you
But how is she?
I miss her.
I've been crying for a while now
Nobody's talking to me at home.
They keep telling me she won't be back
She would, won't she?
The room is lonely without her
I miss the pinkness that surrounded
And the songs she sang
In front of the mirror.
The mirror is glaring at me too
I'm scared, God.
Send her back soon, please
I miss the game of hangman with her.

Untitled

2008-04-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Uncertainty lingers around you
Inside you, Because of you
A vivid atmosphere surrounds you
Like a veil, shields you
From the reality of life
Of friends, of the right
Of love, and when you cry
Tears you, from inside
But it's temporary, you know
Sadness seeds you sow
But there's no on to approach
Because of the discomfort that flows
Around you
Inside you, because of you.

I fell, not for you
But for the little space in you
That shrieks, but is mute
The painful scar that you sew
There's more to life than black
The color of life you lack
Hardly trying, and you're back
Shutting doors, a certain knack.
It's time to live now
Live like never before
Put together what you tore
Loving, explore.

2008-04-05T06:09:00.002-07:00

Omg. Posting that completely gave me the required feel! God, I think i'm finally capable of posting something. :)
I swear now, whatever i'm writing below, is completely thought of, right now, here, in front of the screen.

White,
The dead that swayed
Black,
The punk who prayed
Pink,
A love that blooms
Blue,
The sky that looms
Green,
A gift of God
Yellow,
A source of fraud
Red,
Dab out the sorrow
Purple,
Sinners of tomorrow
Orange,
The waking sun
Silver,
Time to have fun!

You. Satisfied.

2008-04-05T06:09:00.001-07:00

Really. People have been asking me to post for a long time, and now they have finally given up. The reason I was not posting, was not because I couldnt think of anything write, but because:

1. 10 th. No kidding. Even though the boards got over, I still havent been able to adjust to the
freedom I now have.
2. Plus, even if i'm ready to post and have also thought what, I just dont think that it's worth
posting. (Please, I ain't underestimating.)
3. And there are more reasons. I seriously cant think of any.

But isn't this a post already?
Great!
:D

Insanity.

2007-11-18T06:04:00.000-08:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
Every Silver Lining Has A Cloud Around It.
Exactly. Just when I thought my days were getting better after the terminals and diwali (silver lining), The damn pre-pre boards, or let me better say, the approaching boards (thundering clouds), spoiled it all.

So, I, thus, give thee the permission to enjoy life and restrain yourself from reading my posts from now on, till the sky is clear again.
Ty.
.
.
.
.

She. Probably.

2007-10-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

"I deserve to live...I must die...I deserve to live...I must die... " The rose petals fell as she continued to pluck them violently. Tears streamed down her clear but pale face and her hands shook frantically as she neared the last petals of the third rose flower. The other two, as she believed, always ended encouraging her to cut her wrist with the sharp blade that resided on her lap. "This time, if nature thinks i must die, I will. " she said to herself. The last petal fell down on the grass leaving her even more crestfallen than she already was. She had to die. Or at least, she had to see the blood pour out of her body like poison should have, like the sadness should have, like the fakeness should have, like the materialism should have, like the shame should have, like the guilt should have and like her life could have. But unfortunately, it was only blood. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, picked up the blade and she was just going to slash her wrist when something got over her. She paused. Was she scared? Or was she sane, was the question. Realisation caught hold of her. "Get a grip on yourself " A voice told her. Her conscience maybe. "Clear your head, and ask yourself why you're doing this. If you think, this is the only solution, go ahead and see the blood usher out" She shook her head. Was she dreaming? Was she going mad? She passed her hands through her hair and let the blade fall from her hands. She needed to think over this. No, she wasn't scared, she concluded. She thought of her mother, her expression when she'll see her daughter like this and maybe curse herself for all this. She thought of her father, who would not sleep for endless nights wondering what went wrong. She thought of herself, a defeated girl, a girl who could not handle life, a girl who was best at giving pains to her family. She thought of her only confidante- God, who would look down upon her, from the mighty sky and shake his head in pity. Did she want all this? Did she ever want her family to go through this? No, popped the answer in her head, even before she could think over the question. Then what should she do? Let her miserable life go on and at a certain point become worse than death? She fell back on the grass and gazed up at the cloudy sky. She wasnt crying anymore. Maybe because there were no more tears left, or maybe, just maybe, she was feeling better already. she couldn't let her whole depend just upon some petals of rose. "Tell me what to do.." She begged the sky. "Consider your priorities and you know what? Get a life!" she mumbled to herself and giggled. She was not, what she was. That is what mattered! She was herself now. Her actual self spoke to her my-life-is-so-over self. She knew what she was going to do. See her problems with a mind full of a diluted acid instead of concentrated acid.She was sure of herself now. The time had arrived when she finally got a grip on herself. She smiled at the sky, amazed at how time healed things, got up, brushed the petals off her clothes and walked away into the house. After all, so much of homework was left.

I. Hate.

2007-10-17T00:43:00.002-07:00

The holidays, unlike I expected, are so..umm, depressing. Truly. And yeah, boring too. For me at least. I'm fed up studying, talking on the phone, reading novels, listening to music, watching tv etc.
And sometimes, i feel depressed and when I shut my thoughts and I ask myself " 'why' am I sad?" The only thing that comes to my mind is, "I dont know!" And if I further strain my mind and force myself to think of the reason, I wonder if it's this monotonous season probably.. And again, I force myself to believe it.
So, the conclusion is, that almost everyday, at some point of day, my mood is off because of this weather? Great.
ARGHH! Gimme something to do! Except:
1. Study. (done enough!)
2. Read novels. ( cant read anymore, i'm fed up. I just finished like 4 novels in 3 days.)
3. Watch TV (No bloody way! I cant bear anymore Tv with no Star movies and HBO. All i get to
see in disney in hindi and some other wierd channels.)
4. Write some articles/poems (I've lost my talent or maybe i've run out of themes)
5. Going out for some outing or going online ('cuz that's what i'm doing right now)

Sigh.

I'm So Dumb.

2007-10-09T04:48:00.000-07:00

Ok.
I knew the PTM was around the corner, but i was too lazy to confirm it's actual date. Somewhere, i heard, that it was on Tuesday, that is today. So, naturally, i believed it like a nerd. So, yesterday, when i was dozing off during the night and going over the events of the day, i realised that my english teacher had asked for the english notebook 'tomorrow'. Now, now.. how can it be 'tomorrow'? Because 'tomorrow' is my PTM. So i again, believed that it was probably by mistake that she said that. So i got up in the morning, today, and got ready, wore my casuals, i decided to confirm that it was the PTM day, i called Needi. Her brother said that she was at school. So obviously, i assumed that she had gone for the PTM. But her brother said that her mom was home. Ok. And so, YET again, i assumed, that she had gone with her dad. So then, i was all sure and we went to the school. There, i saw that the road was empty. No cars. Great. Just great. Again, like a stupid optimist, i thought that probably we were early to school. By this time, i was getting furious stares from my mum and dad. So, we went in and saw that the whole darn compund was empty, nothing like the day of the PTM. Still, to confirm, i ran up to Vasudha and asked her, if we had our PTM today and surprise surprise!! She said 'no'.
Wow.
So, i turned and saw those get-inside-the-car-and-then-we'll-tell-you look from mom and dad.
But it wasn't that bad anyway. So, this was what happens when you are in tenth and cant think of anything but tenth and get dumber and dumber and dumberrr...

Sigh.

Hey! (again)

2007-10-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

First Post Is Meant To Be Sucky. And Useless.

Hey.
How Are You?
I'm fine.
From now on, i hope, i am going to post regularly.
I hope you like the blog.
Happy?

Bye.