Saturday, June 20, 2009

Niether am I an author, nor can I express feelings well on paper. [Screen, whatever.] Especially when my train(s) of thought are so wild. It sounds pretty much chiched when I say my heart's beating abnormally quick and my stomach is going berserk, except that I mean it. I'm jittery too, and no, these are not post break up events. It's just how I feel right now. Modifying something someone said- "Taking care of a mentally touched person is a full time job." He marches around the house as I type this since i'm instructed to stay inside my room. I type these random statements which seem really sensible to me right now. I'm proud of my mom, dad and dadi. I'd never thought I'd say the latter, but I guess now when I say it, I mean it to it's core. There's tension although there are people who don't let it seep in near us- me and my brother. And I pretend they're succeeding too. I hate to realise that they do too- succeed, I mean and I take advantage of it too, sometimes. But somehow, I forgive myself easily for this, something that I have got to stop doing soon. He's taking the much dreaded pills again and nobody can stop him from doing that yet again, and at this stage. As she said- "It's our destiny; A fact of life." I nod and I believe in her. That's how she's convinced herself and that's how I'll convince myself too. And then there's the man I worship. His calm exterior is a big fake suit to hide what he feels. And boy! Does he do that well! Sometimes, I envy him for his ability to do this. And me? I've just like.. withdrawn myself? I wonder if that's the right word. I'm not so sure. It's just that I feel weird most of the times. People keep asking me to cheer up and all but I tell them i'm not sad. And really, I'm not SAD. I'm just not.. happy, you know? I still feel like doing the regular stuff like texting, watching TV, Sorority life etcetera, except one thing. Talking. It's very creepy, I know. If I were reading what i'm writing right now and if I didn't know who wrote it, I would probably be thinking like a mean girl " Dude. Who IS this depressed soul, really? Get a LIFE." But I know who is this and I know her pretty well, so I can say what she feels is pretty complicated. So, you know. Hmm.




Enough of cray shite huh?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

One moment.

Smile.
Hold the thought.
Try.
But the moment's passed.

Disconnect.
A feeling.
Blow it away.
But the moment stays.

Sing,
That song.
Drown it away
Deeper, but it stays.

Make sense.
Of it all.
Try.
But the moment's gone.

Moment.
A new one begins.
Feel it.
Before it ticks away.

The pain.
Enjoy it too.
Coz it won't last.
Longer than you.

Mess up.
Cringing.
Don't.
The moment will pass.



Haha. Don't try to squeeze out sense out of it. Coz there is none.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Yes, yes, move on.

I changed. Probably in the exact same way as the world did. But I can't decide if i'm happy with them or not. Maybe because they weren't gradual, or maybe they were but my realisation wasn't.
Anyway.
Guess what?
I turned on the modem, turned on my laptop, put in the password, waited for the desktop to appear, clicked on Windows Media Player and double clicked on Breathe by Anna Nalick. Then I clicked on the internet explorer icon, came to blogger.com where I put in my username and password, and as I saw the blank place where I'm supposed to exercise my fingers, I realised that the level of boredom in my life has reached upto a point whre, when I come to post after ages, I have the same-old-emotionally-dramatic-crap-to-the-core stuff to write. So that's the reason I changed the friggin topic.
Plus.. The machine that produced the innovative juices in my mind is dead.
Sigh.
I apologise for now you have to bear it's consequences.
Ending very madly,
A.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

So Low (Solo?) [Whoa, just discovered this!]

I'll be happy
And I will laugh
I will jump
And they'd all laugh
I will cry
And they won't know
I'll keep quiet
And they'd ignore
I will try
And I will fail
I will smile
As I feel pale
I will shine
And I will not
I will sigh
And won't get caught
I will feel
And they will too
My lips'd be sealed
But words be true
My part would matter
And they would know
My presence felt
But they won't show
I will go on
And they would see
They will go on
And we would meet.


This is dedicated to D, who did notice, at last.
This, although, is by no chance related to you or me.
:)

Friday, January 9, 2009

'08

2008 for me was the most unexpected and eventful year of my life. I guess.
Let's see.. This ought to take quite some time now.

11-C. Commerce. New people. 1st units. The implicit unexpected topping. The "coming out of cover". SD. Suddenly being her star. Becoming the Class Leader. Being the "responsible" one. Having to see people look at me differently everyday. The frigging RSMOs. Being the dufus for being offended by everything certain people said or did. Suddenly hating noise. Twilight(!). Becoming the VP. The new shining badge. The almost comparing. The busy basketball tournament. Having a new team (:P). The red pimple ("Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.."). Messing up the general assembly prayer ("Let us together pray for A and B. Mother of Carmel..". [God.]. The embarrasing moments (They still continue.. Sigh.). Having to see the new side of all our 12th grade didis. Having to think of saying 'goodbye'. Saying goodbye, already, to one (The One). The sheet-filling. Meeting new people, loads of them. Disliking a few people, loads of them too, I guess. Being more at the backstage of stuff rather than the audience. Discovering my new talent of cracking instinctive sastas (Although some would disagree :P). Lst. Realising what a gk-dope I am. Conti (Also referred by some of us as 'cunty' :P). The new compliments. The dancing. Loads of it. A LOT of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Books(!). Movies! (and some more of them). Fete. The recording. Democracy day: the flying colours, ooh. Children's day. Making someone feel better on the Children's day. Birthdays: Crazy's the word. The mails. The weird weddings. The one-piece (:P). The new bonding with cousins. The boredom (How much ever I hated it, i'll miss it now..). Being a new Aanchal. Being bumblebee. Being A. The million new realisations.
That's it, I guess. Or maybe there's more. I'll keep adding.
:)
It was fun.
Welcome, 2009.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The investigator inside.

The Reasons Behind Reasonless Mood Off(s).

Theory #1
According to a few people I know, the mood off is never reasonless. There might be no apparent reason, but there would be tiny reasons in the back of our mind. I believed in this myself till a few months back, until I went through a RSMO phase, where, honestly, there were no, NO "tiny" reasons or apparent reasons.

Theory #2
Here's the situation. There's no apparent reason, but there ARE tiny reasons existing in the backstage. They are the root cause of the supposed RSMO. Now, the tiny reasons are done away with, but they took so long to go away, to be dealth with, that the RSMO sustains. We wonder, why it's still there, why it doesn't go away, but I'm guessing that's because we've gotten so used to behaving the way we did during a RSMO, that adapting to the new happy feeling takes time. But again, this is only a guess. Only a theory.

Theory #3
Okay. So, you're recovering from this elongated RSMO but the people around you are so used to the sad you, that even when you're cheerful, they spoil it all by asking- "What's wrong?" or "Stop pretending" or something. And then, we're back to square one.

Theory #4
Mixture of the above 3. Trust me, it's the worse.
But I repeat myself, it's just a theory, not a fact.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The same old story.

Happiness. Why is it so unpredictable? And complicated. I mean, one second you're sad and the next thing you know, you're happy. And vice-versa. You guys are probably thinking, "What is the big deal about it? Happiness is a good thing after all..."

I know that. But even though I'm happy right now, I'm sad because there is no guarantee, no assurance, that this will sustain. Ok, I know it's mean of me to ask for a guarantee but I hate to imagine that this feeling is temporary, brittle and short termed. So, it's not that I let this dreadful feeling overshadow my happiness, but it's there, you know.

Sometimes, I realise this feeling is a mixture of insecurity and regret. Insecurity because of it's impermanence and regret, because the reasons of my happiness, at least some of them are the after effects of certain realisations. And then I regret thinking "If only I had know this earlier.."
But I obviously can't revert back to the old times and make the realisation happen. So, it's just weird.

That's it, I guess.